Lust from a Male Perspective

It has become fairly obvious that men, or a significant number of them, are very confused about sexual attraction between men & women.  Biologic differences are huge in what is attractive and stimulating for men versus what it is for women. Somehow men with power apparently believe their responses are the same for women.  Maybe needing a little bit more touchy feely talk, then men, but that’s about it.

The male arousal is based on quick and efficient mental/visual/tactile stimulation that allows them to pro-create at (almost) the drop of a hat. Biologically, they are driven to spread their genetic code and the more alpha the male, the stronger the drive. Yet, many alpha males are able to move beyond that simple response, to something with more depth. They are NOT captive slaves of their biology and cannot use that as an excuse.

The sight of breasts, skirt line shifting upwards, glimpses of underwear, and the response kicks in almost automatically.  For testosterone driven males the issue is when & where, not if… at least historically. What the female wants is not actually part of the equation.

It’s part of his biology. For a male under the age of 30, every 3rd thought has to do with sex.  NOT acted on, but entertained somewhere in their psyche. Age 50 it has slowed down a bit; maybe every 5th thought. This is not a justification for what some men are doing; most don’t, so what is the difference?

The more alpha the male is, the stronger his illusion that his strengths automatically translate to sexual desire in the female. He convinces himself that the women he pursues really do want a sexual relationship with him. They just have to be encouraged.

The fantasy that a male walking around nude, or seeing his arousal, will trigger the same response in a female, as it does for a male seeing a woman, is a core misconception.

Let me REPEAT that. Women are not aroused by just visuals or tactile. Just touching a woman’s breast does not arouse her;  UNLESS other conditions are met it can be serious turn-off.  It triggers a sense of invasion.

Sexual Attraction for the female

Attraction for a female is a delicate dance that involves much more than the immediate satisfaction.  For her to be significantly interested/aroused she has some psychological needs that need to be met.  There has to be some kind of relationship… that involves trusting and safety. It begins with talking, sharing, discussing… NOT touching, kissing, groping.

WHY is that?  It’s because she, biologically, bears the burden of a potential child. Her psychological needs demand that she ensure she and her child will be protected, while she is unable to provide/defend herself. A relationship gives her some measure of assurance… Once she feels safe, her arousal becomes possible. Women who did not, did not survive to pass their genes on.

Undoing a million years of genetic programming for survival of the species is not undone in a couple of generations. Yes, Virginia, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus… another way of saying different internal drivers.  Men explore, protect, defend, build; they are involved with developing strength and physical skills. He looks outward.  Women nurture, protect, provide support, build the nest; they heal.

Fantasy verses Reality

When you hear stories of Alpha Males who touch, grope, kiss, force themselves on women without being first invited; they seem to think that because they find it sexually stimulating, that it must be the same for the woman. Sadly, they are so out of touch with a real relationship with a woman, that they fail to see they are grasping at an illusion. They are treating a female as if she responds like a male.

How sadly pathetic that some males must use drugs to incapacitate a female to force them to fulfill his sexual needs. They are like teenagers who have never grown up.  As if the physical act is the end all. They miss developing the relationship that enhances the act.

It’s a rare alpha male who can see past the “testosterone drive” to reach for a deeper, more satisfying relationship, long term.

Deeper Needs Met

Real men build a relationship that values a woman and respects her for the qualities she brings. He honors her and builds that safe environment that she needs.  She is responsible, biologically, for the emotional health of both and if allowed, will  bring him to a greater, deeper, immensely pleasurable sexual life than he can imagine. He can’t even come close to, in these fantasy forced relationships. They only satisfy a quick temporary need.

She will support and enhance not only his sexual life, but also who he is, apart from sex. He does not have to “perform” to be loved and nurtured. Sexual relationships become richer because the need to perform is taken out the equation.

It’s a sad commentary on our society/culture these days that this kind of sexual education is not part of our lives.  Instead we are focused on the media driven male fantasy that tells our youth what relationships are all about. Jump in bed and you will be fulfilled, satisfied, and happy. They never know that the media has it backwards, for the most part.

Backwards: The Paradox of Sex & Friendship

They tell it backwards because it’s easy.  Not true, but easy and stimulating to the male, and parts of it, to the female. You know, “the chick flick”.  These are the stories we are telling our teenagers & young adults about how to function is the real world. It is true with groupies, young women who think that having sex with someone powerful gives them extra status; they do exchange the short term status for sex. Again, a reflection that we have not taught our youth how to value themselves in order to build a healthy relationship.

It leads to serial failed relationships because it is so shallow it has no depth to survive. The relationship is core, the friendship, the sharing builds the basis for a marriage which has a rich sexual relationship.  Sex, too soon, actually inhibits. Learning about each other seems to stop, if a sexual relationship occurs before a long-term commitment is entered into.

The pendulum seems to have swung way too far in the opposite direction. Although we have discarded the moral standards of earlier generations, I’m not sure we are any further ahead.  We’ve tossed aside our religious education which informed us about relationships between men & women. That, at least in theory, set boundaries and standards for men. (Remember, the ideal, not necessarily the reality).

In our current culture, with women taking an active role wherever their skills and educations take them, it’s time to reinforce the concept that they are not PREY to be abused at the will of the male. They have the right & responsibility to say no.

No, Females are not tools to be used at the discretion of the male, no matter how powerful, rich, or successful they are.

Mothers: teach your sons!


RN, NP in Women’s Health, 35 years



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