Lust from a Male Perspective

It has become fairly obvious that men, or a significant number of them, are very confused about sexual attraction between men & women.  Biologic differences are huge in what is attractive and stimulating for men versus what it is for women. Somehow men with power apparently believe their responses are the same for women.  Maybe needing a little bit more touchy feely talk, then men, but that’s about it.

The male arousal is based on quick and efficient mental/visual/tactile stimulation that allows them to pro-create at (almost) the drop of a hat. Biologically, they are driven to spread their genetic code and the more alpha the male, the stronger the drive. Yet, many alpha males are able to move beyond that simple response, to something with more depth. They are NOT captive slaves of their biology and cannot use that as an excuse.

The sight of breasts, skirt line shifting upwards, glimpses of underwear, and the response kicks in almost automatically.  For testosterone driven males the issue is when & where, not if… at least historically. What the female wants is not actually part of the equation.

It’s part of his biology. For a male under the age of 30, every 3rd thought has to do with sex.  NOT acted on, but entertained somewhere in their psyche. Age 50 it has slowed down a bit; maybe every 5th thought. This is not a justification for what some men are doing; most don’t, so what is the difference?

The more alpha the male is, the stronger his illusion that his strengths automatically translate to sexual desire in the female. He convinces himself that the women he pursues really do want a sexual relationship with him. They just have to be encouraged.

The fantasy that a male walking around nude, or seeing his arousal, will trigger the same response in a female, as it does for a male seeing a woman, is a core misconception.

Let me REPEAT that. Women are not aroused by just visuals or tactile. Just touching a woman’s breast does not arouse her;  UNLESS other conditions are met it can be serious turn-off.  It triggers a sense of invasion.

Sexual Attraction for the female

Attraction for a female is a delicate dance that involves much more than the immediate satisfaction.  For her to be significantly interested/aroused she has some psychological needs that need to be met.  There has to be some kind of relationship… that involves trusting and safety. It begins with talking, sharing, discussing… NOT touching, kissing, groping.

WHY is that?  It’s because she, biologically, bears the burden of a potential child. Her psychological needs demand that she ensure she and her child will be protected, while she is unable to provide/defend herself. A relationship gives her some measure of assurance… Once she feels safe, her arousal becomes possible. Women who did not, did not survive to pass their genes on.

Undoing a million years of genetic programming for survival of the species is not undone in a couple of generations. Yes, Virginia, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus… another way of saying different internal drivers.  Men explore, protect, defend, build; they are involved with developing strength and physical skills. He looks outward.  Women nurture, protect, provide support, build the nest; they heal.

Fantasy verses Reality

When you hear stories of Alpha Males who touch, grope, kiss, force themselves on women without being first invited; they seem to think that because they find it sexually stimulating, that it must be the same for the woman. Sadly, they are so out of touch with a real relationship with a woman, that they fail to see they are grasping at an illusion. They are treating a female as if she responds like a male.

How sadly pathetic that some males must use drugs to incapacitate a female to force them to fulfill his sexual needs. They are like teenagers who have never grown up.  As if the physical act is the end all. They miss developing the relationship that enhances the act.

It’s a rare alpha male who can see past the “testosterone drive” to reach for a deeper, more satisfying relationship, long term.

Deeper Needs Met

Real men build a relationship that values a woman and respects her for the qualities she brings. He honors her and builds that safe environment that she needs.  She is responsible, biologically, for the emotional health of both and if allowed, will  bring him to a greater, deeper, immensely pleasurable sexual life than he can imagine. He can’t even come close to, in these fantasy forced relationships. They only satisfy a quick temporary need.

She will support and enhance not only his sexual life, but also who he is, apart from sex. He does not have to “perform” to be loved and nurtured. Sexual relationships become richer because the need to perform is taken out the equation.

It’s a sad commentary on our society/culture these days that this kind of sexual education is not part of our lives.  Instead we are focused on the media driven male fantasy that tells our youth what relationships are all about. Jump in bed and you will be fulfilled, satisfied, and happy. They never know that the media has it backwards, for the most part.

Backwards: The Paradox of Sex & Friendship

They tell it backwards because it’s easy.  Not true, but easy and stimulating to the male, and parts of it, to the female. You know, “the chick flick”.  These are the stories we are telling our teenagers & young adults about how to function is the real world. It is true with groupies, young women who think that having sex with someone powerful gives them extra status; they do exchange the short term status for sex. Again, a reflection that we have not taught our youth how to value themselves in order to build a healthy relationship.

It leads to serial failed relationships because it is so shallow it has no depth to survive. The relationship is core, the friendship, the sharing builds the basis for a marriage which has a rich sexual relationship.  Sex, too soon, actually inhibits. Learning about each other seems to stop, if a sexual relationship occurs before a long-term commitment is entered into.

The pendulum seems to have swung way too far in the opposite direction. Although we have discarded the moral standards of earlier generations, I’m not sure we are any further ahead.  We’ve tossed aside our religious education which informed us about relationships between men & women. That, at least in theory, set boundaries and standards for men. (Remember, the ideal, not necessarily the reality).

In our current culture, with women taking an active role wherever their skills and educations take them, it’s time to reinforce the concept that they are not PREY to be abused at the will of the male. They have the right & responsibility to say no.

No, Females are not tools to be used at the discretion of the male, no matter how powerful, rich, or successful they are.

Mothers: teach your sons!


RN, NP in Women’s Health, 35 years



Back to Farm Life… a do over

15 years ago, we started our first homestead/farming/ranching venture.  Starting from the knowledge acquired through the years of just having a home garden and a few chickens, we bravely struck out.

Over time we developed THE HERITAGE FARM…FarmGraphic

In our culture we seem to think we must know all the answers before we are comfortable making a significant change.  NOPE! not us… you don’t even KNOW the questions to ask, until you are in the middle of a new venture.  While gathering info ahead of time is indeed important you just can’t have all the “right” answers all the time.  Part of the fun is figuring out solutions for different problems that crop up.

Most important, I think, is to continue learning; to explore new methods, to listen to other ideas, to explore why something does or does not work.

We like to have a tried and true method to rely on but history is not always the best teacher. Well hold that thought, it actually can be an excellent teacher of what has been done but has NOT stood the test of time (or test of quality, test of sustainability). Certain fixes look good in the short-term, but often have unintended side effects that create a disaster.

Internet technology has given every man access to knowledge that used to be held only by those in research universities.  Today anyone can “google” or “youtube” information. Our advantage over the past is tremendous.  The everyday man can take advantage of information, results of research, actual trials that was once almost unattainable.

Industrial agriculture has created some disastrous results.  Now that we have basically run out of room to move on to new territory to utilize, we are confronted with the long-term results of our past methods: dead dirt, sick plants, nutrient-poor food, loss of topsoil measured in tens of feet, chemical contamination of our water & soils. Out of those problems has come new research that has opened whole windows of understanding the dynamics of an ecological system that IS sustainable… and avoids the pitfalls of industrial ag.

When I say “Back to Farm Life… a do over” I mean it’s a learning process.  Each step of that journey we learn something new. If we waited until we had all the answers, we would still be waiting to get started! Paralysis by Analysis would be an appropriate term.

This will be our 3rd significant farming/homestead venture and I can see how all the pieces are falling into place.  How the things we used to do have morphed from the traditional into a sustainable model.  And it’s exciting to see; to understand the system nature has created over millions of years, we are learning how to work with it instead of butting heads.

I call it a Full-cycle Systems Approach: It’s all part of the soil succession ecological system that comes into play.  First, weeds; then grasses followed by shrubs, followed by trees. The soil microbial system evolves along with this, first being primarily bacterial based transitioning to fungal. Healthy veggies will have a much higher load of bacterial microbes, while trees will have mycorrhizae microbes (fungal). There is a synergistic relationship with the microbiotic world and plant roots.  The roots trade sugars, that the plants produce through photosynthesis, for nutrients the micro-organisms breakdown into a form the plants can use. 

Our job on the farm is to provide a healthy environment for the microbes to be able to do their job.  Healthy plants that get the nutrients they need are NOT attractive to pests and are resistant to diseases.  Industrial fertilizers tend to be too harsh and actually kill off the very microbes needed for quality growth.  The name of the game is NOT the fastest growth, but healthy growth.  Too fast tends to be too weak.


Our Next “do over”…

Moving onto our exciting adventure, on the farm.  Shortly after purchasing a 4 1/2 acre parcel of land (it took me three, yes, three years to find what I was looking for) we were able to put our well in. Despite the ongoing drought in California we were totally blessed to get 100 gpm output. (Anything above 10 pgm would have been good; 35 gpm awesome).

This meant we would have good quantity of water to actually farm with. Not only that, the water tests came back with”outstanding” quality.  Many wells have too much of this or that to make it palatable for consumption: human, animal or plant.  Our well is down below a clay layer that seals off the products of industrial life from leaching down into the geologic water.

Tragically… well I thought it was a tragedy because it delayed our work on building the farm. Instead we had to move away.

Currently, all that was on the property was an old ricky barn, an old chicken house,  and the debris from a collapsed barn. Instead of being able to start work on building a house, Jim found himself out of work!  He had to change jobs. With only 2 weeks notice we had to move to San Diego; from farm to city.Barn,Pasture,Oaks

City Life, a step back

The few positives of the move were that we had to wait anyway on septic hoops to jump through (required testing) that ended up taking two years to complete BECAUSE of the drought.  If you don’t have enough rain it’s pretty hard to document that the soil drains properly.  I was bummed. We were living in San Diego (talk about high density living) amid the a world seemly completely out of touch farming life.

There was a positive, at least in San Diego, we would get to spend some time with a daughter and meet her “intended”.  We thought it would just be until we got the septic testing completed (1 3/4 years) but we were delayed.  I was chomping at the bit to get back home, in Cotati, but it did not happen. We ended up having to stay another year.

Did I mention positives? Yep…some pretty big ones. One, we had designed a grannie unit (which was limited to 840 sq ft) along with the farmhouse but the housing crunch is so bad in the SF Bay Area – and definitely in Sonoma County (rent rates up 40% in 3 years)…in this last year they changed the limit. An accessory unit could be 1000 sq ft, potentially up to 1200 sq ft. The new square footage allotment would be a much better fit for us.

In the meantime, our daughter & new son-in-law, were expecting their first child.  We would get to be close at hand and get to spend some time with a new grandchild.  An unexpected pleasure! Enough, most definitely to counter the frustration of city life for another year.

Control? what control…

It continually amazes me how life progresses along certain path, despite what we “want” and ends up with a better outcome.  I’m learning to “work toward a goal” but don’t get too hung up on the time frame.  When it all comes together, it will. All the stress in the world doesn’t change anything; better to just enjoy the ride. Hard ’cause we SO like to be “in control”.

So Daughter, Son-in-Law, grandson move to the Swiss Alps (where his family is from) during the summer, this year.  We head up to Cotati to get some work done on the farm, preparing for septic, thinking it would be the next year before being able to move back.

While there, Jim get’s a call; would he be interested in interviewing for a software engineering job, in San Francisco. “HECK, YEAH”! He’s off the backhoe & tractor, scrounging around for some decent looking clean clothes, for an interview.  They offer him the job the NEXT DAY. Bamm, he starts work in SF, two weeks later.

We are back “home”.


Building a pump house, setting up corrals for the two half-lingers draft horses, cleaning out the pond area, setting up drainage for when the winter rains come, planting trees, building garden beds, prepping the pastures for green manure cover crops to enrich the soils.  Running water lines, putting in a small solar system, getting a small flock of chickens that free-range and provide us with the most awesome eggs.  You know, just some odds & ends to take care of. The first 8 weeks back on the farm.

I am in awe of my husband.  He gets up at 4:45 to catch the commuter bus into SF, works a full day; he get’s home after dark (6:30pm)… 5 days a week and then works non-stop on the weekend working his magic turning this place into our homestead.

He plans a plain ol’ funky shed to house the well head, pump, and electronics.  I ask for a mini cottage, with a porch and garden in front of it, with a tiny pond.  Voila! He starts creating it.

Each incremental step, is a piece of love, in creation. The soil (sediment from the base of the pond) he moves over to create the garden area is so rich & dark; it calls to be planted.  Our winters tend to be very mild (some frost) so while the above ground parts of the plant may be dormant, the roots are alive and well, creating a support system that will be able to handle the spring growth without missing a beat.

Building the Base

I’ve already been down to the seed store to buy wild flowers in bulk, and organic cover crop mix for Jim to lay down.  The cover crop he will plow into the soil in the spring, and then plant a rich variety of pasture mix.  I’ve coaxed him into reserving an area for fava beans, alfalfa, and barley.

We had a tiny bit of rain a few weeks ago (that helped put out the fires that were still burning in the range between us (Sonoma and Napa Valley).  It also helped germinate the weed seeds.  Two days ago we had good steady rain (over an inch) which has primed the soil for good growth. Jim completed the turning of the soil, to break up the compacted areas and till in the weeds, with 2 days of dry.  Now he’ll plant the seeds so that the rain we expecting all day tomorrow, will prime the pump.  Germinate those seeds and get the cover crops going before the weeds can kick in.

If we had irrigation we would have watered to germinate the weeds, let them grow a bit, then turn them over, returning their nutrient load to the upper layers of the soil. Do that 2 or 3 times, to decrease the weed load still in the soil seed bank. But we think the cover crop we selected will outcompete the weeds.  It doesn’t have to be 100%… even weeds have some positives.

Do you know WHAT a weed is?

A plant growing where you don’t want it to.  Traditional weeds actually have some significant properties that are important to the soil.  Plants that we consider weeds tell you a lot about the nutrient quality of the soil.  The roots of those plants tend to grow well in nutrient deficient soil because they go down deep where nutrients are.  When their root systems die they release those nutrients back into the upper layers of the soil where the microbes can utilize them. They aerate the soil while doing this. That is the point of us planting a green manure cover crop and then tilling it back into the soil in the spring.  To build the food base for the microbes to use, to feed the plants we want to grow.

Check the research done by Dr. Elaine Ingham on the Soil Food Web;

an incredible resource. Dr.InghamSoilWeb

I’ll say it again because it is so important.  It’s all part of the soil succession ecological system in play.

  • First, weeds,
  • then grasses,
  • followed by shrubs,
  • followed by trees.

The soil microbial system evolves along with this, first being primarily bacterial based transitioning to fungal.

Healthy veggies will have a much higher load of bacterial microbes, while trees will have mycorrhizae microbes (fungal).

There is a synergistic relationship with the microbiotic world and plant roots.  The roots trade sugars, that the plants produce through photosynthesis, for nutrients the micro-organisms breakdown into a form the plants can use. 

Again, our job on the farm is to provide a healthy environment for the microbes to be able to do their job.  Healthy plants that get the nutrients they need are NOT attractive to pests and are resistant to diseases. No need to add toxic chemicals to the soil or plants.

We take time to inoculate the soil with the base microbes that create a healthy system.  And then we let THEM do the real work.  I’ll be sitting on my front porch glorying in the view of the garden, sometime next year.

It starts with a vision… and a willingness to learn.




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